Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
