meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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