Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
