I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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