look no pants
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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