Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
