It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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