Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
