we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
And then he peed in my hair
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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