So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
