Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
