tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
