My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
