She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
