He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
be right there i have to get my cape
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
