I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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