Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
where are you?
Hypothermia
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
