Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
