My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
