Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
