he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I forget how to act sober
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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