Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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