Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
