he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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