I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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