i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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