I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
