I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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