It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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