Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
