Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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