i permit you to call me
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Randomize
