there's paper in my vomit.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
