guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize