is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Two words: blizzard sex
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
