I just pynch a tree in the face
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
