I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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