My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
