All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, donβt meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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