I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
