I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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