somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
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