i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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