I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
