How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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