woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
