He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
