when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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