i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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