I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
