Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
