Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
