Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
