sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The air was thick with penises
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
