I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
