6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just want to make out with him forever
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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