idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
